the right to bare babies
to have a baby is a big decision. huge. and i don't take it lightly, unless there is a baby within reach and then i just want one.
but here is why i ponder if i am ready or if i ever will be: who will i become? and how will this affect my marriage?
these two itty-bitty questions scare the hell out of me. you know why? because i know people with kids. and it changes you. and it changes their marriage. and there is no judgment in that statement. but people change.
so you have a kid. you have sex less frequently. you get less sleep. you have less money. you have this little being that relies on you for quite a while, like 36 years. you're tired. your work life changes. your social life changes. your potential and prospects change. and yet, now there are more than just the two of you and the cats and one dog. there is a baby.
i can list just as many positives for having a baby. so i don't need a thousand comments on how it isn't worth regretting and there is no perfect time. i know this. i understand this. i get it.
what's funny is, i can't imagine not having kids. i want children. i love them. i love babies. i love children. i love them when they are not mine. and i have seen some children that are truly the spawn of satan. not their fault. satan can't keep his hands to himself and refuses to use a condom. he's satan.
but these thoughts loom in my head. how do thomas and i survive a child? am i ready to give up a part of me to another human being? i know i did that in marriage since i now share my life with someone, my best friend. but am i ready for another life to share? possibly two or three (twins and TRIPLETS run in the family, on the right side, yes, the maternal line... studies have shown men have no responsibility here).
i guess what i am wondering is, will it be ok? do i have another part of me to give to someone or someones else?
I have all your same worries. I like my marriage the way it is....I don't want to become so baby obsessed that we forget that we to just dig each other as people. And then the stress of it all...I don't want to become resentful of him not doing enough blah blah blah. At our baby shower on Sunday a friend announced her engagement and the date of her wedding (in the fall) which is in a location that is semi-close to my in-laws and my first thought was...SCORE! We'll get the in-laws to baby-sit and have a little mini-weekend for just the two of us. I need to know that events like that are going to happen so that we can recharge as a couple. Anyhow...I'm blathering...but good luck. It is a tough decision...
People change over time, whether they have children or not.
...
I'm going to say just this:
It IS hard, on so many levels, but you will grow in a way you never knew you could. You will love more deeply - and not just your child - and feel pain more deeply as well. Everything expands in ways you never could have imagined.
As for not being sure, you will not be sure for the rest of your life. I'm still not sure. It will happen, and everything will change, and you will just do, because that's what your life is now. Your idea of reality and normalcy changes, and the new life becomes reality, becomes normal.
It will be ok. Different, but ok. Hard, but amazing. Scary, but beautiful in a whole new way.
Yeah, I probably just said everything you said you knew you'd hear. ;-)
Make a pact with Thomas that will ensure you still put a lot of effort into your marriage. Whether that means date nights or a monthly sex quota or whatever, make it known that you want to stay dedicated to the marriage in the ways that are important to you. After all, one of the best things a parent can do for his or her child is be good to the other parent. Because if mama ain't happy, no one's happy, right?
I, for one, think that people who worry about this sort of thing are bound to be the most successful in the face of it. You're preparing for the change and that gives you time to define and negotiate your priorities. It's the people who think that babies will save their marriages or that motherhood will be all rainbows and cupcakes that worry me.