hitchhikers guide to my life

there are lots of things i don't talk about on my blog because, well, it would be unethical and just plain not right to tell you the things my students do or say or confide in my.  and frankly, i have no desire to share that part of my life with the public.

there are also things i don't talk about with friends because it is hard to discuss or really makes for some awkward moments.  rarely do i ever bring them up because it definitely changes my relationship with people and it gives them a new perspective of me.  maybe i am scared of what they may come up with, maybe i just don't want that awkward pause where they process the information and then either brush it off or give me that look and think "oh."  thomas of course knows all of these things but he's special and never did either of those.

last week i was privy to a conversation that went awry.  well.  it did for me.  for everyone else present it was a standard conversation about something fascinating; but it made me anxious because it hit home a little too easily.  it wasn't my conversation so i couldn't say anything, not that i would have, but it was weird to hear someone else's thoughts, an objective thought, a thought from someone who has never had my experiences.  and it occurred to me how weird (yes, weird) my life has been.

and from that conversation, i suddenly understood the source to my anxiety.  not the trigger, but the actual source.  and i breathe a little easier now because of it.