thoughts: September 2005 Archives

ok, so i did not make this picture, nor do i claim it as my own, but a colleague just sent this to me saying it reminded him of me.

i don't know if it is that smile of hers, the hairstyle, or those dashing blue eyes that make him think of me, but i do know that i love her philosophy.

voltaire is a fascinating character in french lit.  i have read his stuff and i love his wit and charm.  while i was digging around for a photo from this summer to post on this website, i noticed this one from the louvre.  obviously t took it since it is digital and as we all know, i am not to touch the sacred digital camera.  i promise he shares, but it is his baby when he is in a photo taking mood.

i personally am not a photo taker.  i find myself thinking thoughts, "totally a kodak moment."  even if the camera is in my hands, focused, finger on the button, for whatever reason, my instinct is to think about the moment and not capture it for all eternity-- or at least until this technology becomes obsolete.  why is that?  is it because i am the baby, and we all know the baby in the family gets screwed when it comes to photos.

what i like about this photo is this: that expression he has, that feeling he is showing right now, captured for all eternity as a statue to be recaptured on digital-thingamabob-ness, that content smile with a touch of curiosity behind the eyes, with a splash of fatigue in the brow, that is a feeling i understand.  i relate to voltaire.

it's on days like today that i realize that motivation is a necessity of teaching.  like i didn't know this.  but i am seriously not motivated to work on the now.  i want to work on stuff that i don't need to right now. like next semester, next summer.

focus.  i need focus.  i have only been like this for a day.  and it never lasts.  but it is frustrating to me.  i think it happens when i don't get to go quilting as often.  and yes, i see the weirdness of a 28 year old woman who quilts.  but i tell you, sewing is better than some silly sand zen garden.

ok.  i think i am going to get into the tub and see if i can regain focus while warming up my toes.  why does weather below 80 cause the rest of my body to go into some subzero freeze overdrive?  and why do i not live in a very warm climate with a personal chef?  oh the conundrums of my life.  must become dictator so i can force people to answer these questions for me.

t and i often talk about children and when to have them.  it isn't a question of whether or not we want to give up oiur life as we know it for a wee one, but a matter of when.  we had considered trying this summer and possibly starting a family this year.  by the way.  years for me are always academic calendar years, never january to december years.  we postponed with his new big-wig exciting job.  we postponed when we thought we may move to ny for that other job opportunity.

so.  being the anxiety ridden person i am, people like me should not have kids without supervision and definitely not without some form of prescription, i look online all the time at all of these crazy sites about things to consider before considering pregnancy.  i found an interesting article about it.  about what to think about.  what questions to ask.  like could i give up sleeping in... that takes a lot of thought on my part.  but the one that i think about the most is what would i want for my kids childhood that i didn't have... what would i want to be different for them.  wow.

i did not have this perfect childhood and i can answer it quickly on so many fronts.  you know, like that my kid doesn't have access to matches to set her favorite doll on fire.  can we say firebug?  but wow.  how that hit me in a way that makes me think about whether i can live up to all that responsibilty.  can i correct the mistakes of my parents?